The Visit

     When I was younger, I believed that if a person had a true desire to change their life, they could. It didn't matter what environment they were raised in, or how crappy their parents were; if they wanted to have a better life and be successful, they just had to work for it. After reaching out to Russell, I don't believe that anymore. I think many people can change their life despite their upbringing, and many do. But for so many others born into undesirable circumstances, they simply can't. Russell is one of those.

     It took us a little over three hours to get to the prison. Located along a desolate country road, it stands wrapped in fencing that is encased in barbed wire. It jumps out at you like an enormous pitch fork with sharp prongs.
     We were stopped at the entrance by two officers who asked us to get out. I was told to pop my hood and trunk so they could be searched, and one of the officers asked for my driver's license. He then asked who we were visiting and what his number was. Prisoners all have a number...I have now memorized Russell's. Walking towards the visitor entrance, Beverly and I noticed many prisoners sitting at picnic benches with their loved ones. We knew we wouldn't be able to sit like that with Russell, because ours was a "no physical contact" visit. Once through the entrance, we had three more stops until we actually got to walk to where we would meet him. We were told to go to Seg 3, which is the little room they would bring Russell in for our visit.   
     Because Russell is in "segregation," he was brought to us with his hands handcuffed behind his back. Once inside the room, he had to place his hands through the slot in the door so they could unhandcuff him. To be honest, it was a difficult but bittersweet moment. When he saw us, his eyes lit up and he had this big smile across his face. You could also tell that he was embarrased we had to see him like that. Beverly and I couldn't help the tears. Our first reaction was to reach out and hug him, but that's impossible to do when glass separates you. Russell had told us in previous letters that he is still "rough around the edges." I'm not going to lie; he looks very rough. His head is shaved and he is covered in tattoos, (many of which we told him we want removed). When you go to visit a prisoner, you are allowed to bring up to $25 in change. Multiple vending machines await with overpriced "delicacies" that can be purchased and given to the prisoner you are visiting. Because they never get such treats inside, it is quite the joy for them to get to eat these during the visit. We asked Russell what treats he wanted, but he said he didn't know because he had never had any visitors. We told him what all was available, and he said it really didn't matter to him. He was just appreciative that we were there. I got up to get his treats while Beverly continued talking with him. She told Russell that we were going to ask a lot of questions, and if he didn't want to answer any of them, he didn't have to. He told her that he didn't mind answering our questions. All of the food that you buy has to be dumped out onto a plate and unwrapped. Once that was taken care of, I handed the guard the plate of food and went back to where we sat. The guards then brought Russell the plate. He wouldn't eat at first; I guess he felt weird eating in front of us, but we told him to eat because it would be a while before he'd get anymore junk food.
     One of the things we really wanted to know was if Russell felt any remorse for what he did. Our hearts grieve for the family whose life was taken by Russell, and we reminded him that he took away someone's son. I don't blame the victim's family for feeling hatred toward Russell. Beverly and I are mothers, and if something ever happened to one of our children, I don't know what we'd do. I don't know if that's something I could forgive. I'd like to think I could (eventually), but I'm not sure. I know it's hard for many people to believe, but Russell does feel sorrow for what happened. He told us the story of that night, and while the entire story of that tragic event is horrible, how Russell ended up in that situation at age 15 is just as tragic to me.
     Beverly and I asked Russell again if there was anything we could have done to prevent his situation. He looked at us and said, "No, Mrs. Edmunds and Mrs. Barfield, I don't think so." It's like he knew this would be his fate. Russell told us that he remembers his mom using drugs, and at ten, she would ask him to go out and find money. My son Caleb is ten, but I can't even fathom asking him to go wander the streets to look for money! Russell told us that his mom is now disabled and lives off welfare. We asked about his dad, but he told us that his dad has basically been in prison his entire life. He got out in '08, but went back in about six months later. I asked Russell if he thinks it would have made a difference if he would have had a strong male influence or role model in his life. He response was, "Yes, I do." That broke our hearts! The more Beverly and I thought about it, the more we came to a very clear realization: Russell never had a chance in this life. He had every odd stacked up against him from the moment he was born.
     We don't know what life will be like for Russell when he gets out. He has nine more years before he'll even be eligible for parole, and he told us that most prisoners with his conviction serve around 12 to 15 years before they are released. We know we have to be realistic regarding Russell's future. He will have spent the majority of his formative years behind bars by the time he's released. Beverly and I pray that this life he's living doesn't completely harden him.
     Visitation is two hours long, so when the guard came and told us that we had ten minutes left, we wanted to make sure we said everything we needed to before we said goodbye. Beverly looked at him and said, "Russell, we aren't leaving you and we aren't giving up on you." We told him that we love and care about him and that we will come to visit him again. I know many people think we are crazy to be doing this, and we may end up heartbroken in the end, but it's something we feel convicted about. I'm not sure why, but it is. 
     Like something we've all seen in movies, as Russell stood up, he placed his hand against the glass and emotionally said, "Thanks Mrs. Barfield and Mrs. Edmunds for coming to see me. I really appreciate it." We waved bye to him and watched him be led away. 
     We had a nice visit. One filled with tears, laughter, and many, many emotions.